The Cinemafool review of 2009

First, an apology. Cinemafool has been running now for three years and always prides itself on seeing a new film at the cinema pretty much every week, then delivering a stunning review. Recently, due to personal movements (not bowel), it has become more difficult for Cinemafool to visit the cinema as often as desired. And so the year has seen a shocking lack of new films at the cinema – only 40 - and an even more shocking delay for reviews. For this poor performance I can only apologise. But what are you going to do? How about pay me and I’ll make more of an effort. Otherwise you’ll just have to make do with what you get.

Anyway, 2009 has been a year. Indeed. And the best way to celebrate that year is by the now famous Cinemafool review. First up, the anticipated top ten of 2009. Here they are, in chronological order:

Top Ten

1. Doubt

Rating: CF2

What: Fiddler or no fiddler? Priest vs Nuns. A couple of alternative titles also summing up the film.

I said then: a fully enjoyable film, with superb performances and a simple yet completely effective plot.

I say now: Big weighty paedo films never come so entertaining. Way more enjoyable than you’d at first think, Doubt is a rare stage-to-screen adap that works.

I also said: an altar boy’s holy vestibule.

2. Watchmen

Rating: CF3

What: “The best graphic novel ever” made into “the best graphic novel film adaptation ever”.

I said then: a mature and complex plot, twisted and intriguing characters, wowing visual punch and a kick-ass soundtrack

I say now: Proving there is still life in the stylised comic book genre, this was both mature and oh so very cool.

I also said: a big glowing blue-man’s schlong

3. Religulous

Rating: CF3

What: Bill Maher tackles the insanity of religion in a compelling documentary.

I said then: makes you wish this film was made available to a wider audience rather than a small cinema screen full of guffawing pretentioles like me.

I say now: as the athiests start to gather forces in billboard, buses and books, this is the documentary that is both oh so very relevant, but also very, very amusing.

I also said: interviewing mentals for laughs

4. Let the Right One In

Rating: CF3

What: Children, vampires, Sweden. What more do you need?

I said then: captivating, beautiful and slightly disconcerting.

I say now: An icy overcoat covering a warm heart, this is a welcome take on the now overblown Vampire genre.

I also said: how I imagine Angel rip-off Twilight to be, if the characters were 12 year old Swedish kids

5. In the Loop

Rating: CF2

What: Armando Iannucci’s cutting tv show turned to the big screen, joined by American friends.

I said then: In the Loop is a proud example of Britain’s writing talent, and a withering reminder of how crap politics can be

I say now: The dialogue is so swift and so delicious you’ll need to see this more than once just to gather all the barbs. Ace stuff.

I also said: the best angry-breathing ever.

6. Star Trek

Rating: CF3

What: A genre that’s usually partly ace and partly tosh, given a J J Abrams makeover.

I said then: Abrams blasts the Trek into the realms of the popular, making a show that many shy away from or turn their noses up at into something any uninitiated Trekster can actually enjoy.

I say now: Something for the fans and a fun trip for everyone else, Abrams proved there was still a lot of life in the Trek.

I also said: A bit like the Jonas Brothers.

7. Moon

Rating: CF3

What: Bowie Junior directs a sci-fi indie, pretty much a one-man show too. Sort of.

I said then: a charming little film, beautifully handled by Jones and superbly acted by Rockwell.

I say now: If you’ve still not seen this, avoid other reviews that spoil the plot and check it out. The understated sci-fi sister to boisterous Star Trek.

I also said: Cinemafool reviews are more considerate and, let’s face it, better.

8. Mesrine: parts 1 & 2

Rating: CF2 & CF1

What: A bit of a cheat to squish two films into one spot, but this French biog of a criminal superstar comes as a pair, and I couldn’t leave one out. It’d get jealous.

I said then: a lengthy study of a fascinating character… an absorbing, thrilling piece, made brilliant by Cassell’s performance

I say now: Vincent Cassell wows as uber crim Mesrine – stick this with your Goodfellas and Godfather collection.

I also said: autoglass would make a killing with the number of back windows shot out.

9. District 9

Rating: CF2

What: The sleeper hit that smashed the charts despite coming from a first-time director featuring unknown cast. Aliens penned into shanty towns in South Africa are given a crap deal by the government. Huh..

I said then: a sort of buddy-movie, mixed with Tsotsi, the alien-in-bar scenes from Star Wars, some first person shoot-em-up games and transformers.

I say now: The mix of traditional film with documentary and CCTV footage drags aliens into reality, and makes this an original little classic.

I also said: Fooking hell

10. Up

Rating: CF4

What: Pixar brings old man in a flying house via lots of balloons.

I said then: Funny, exciting, heart-warming – just beautifully enjoyable

I say now: The plot sounds stuffy and silly, but the film is both emotinally devastating and childishly silly, making it one of the most enjoyable of the year, and also the highest rated in 2009.

I also said: All they do is shuffle and pee

2009 – The Losers

Fewer films mean fewer miss-steps, but there were still a few stinkers to be found in front of Cinemafool’s eyes in 2009. Some are not necessarily bad films, but they either disappointed, befuddled or simply angered.

Bride Wars

Rating: CF-1

I said: “A plot so thinly constructed a five-year-old could predict what was going to happen (well, maybe not just any five-year-old, but perhaps myself at five, although I was unnaturally clever at that age of course).”

Synecdoche New York

Rating: CF0

I said: “I spent the last two hours watching something weird and meaningless. And if I wanted to do that I’d just watch Inland Empire again.”

“Like a jigsaw puzzle featuring baked beans – the only puzzle my mother has ever given up in her illustrious jigsaw career – there is being tricky enough to test you but cause enjoyment, and being so tricky that it just ends up left in pieces on the table.”

Public Enemies

Rating: CF-1

I said: “You’ve blown up the balloon to its maximum capacity and you’re about to release it, ready to be thrilled as it zooms across the room in a zigzag of fun chaos, complete with silly noises. Alas this was more like those times when you fumble the release and end up with a sputtering disappointment and some spittle in your face.”

Turkey of the year

Only one film stands out as truly shite this year, and it was its insistence of posing as something serious and decent that helped to land it this title, previously shared by Indiana Jones 4, Ocean’s Thirteen, and Pirates of the Caribbean Two, which I hear is now forcing out a fourth instalment like the big, festering turd it will most likely be.

Anyway, this year’s Turkey is:

The International

Rating: CF-2

I said: “it spiralled into a sea of who-cares, launching characters in willy nilly and churning the plot into indecipherable mulsh.”

“It is a mix of the talky bits in Bond that act as fillers between the fight scenes, and the bits in Bourne where they show shots of different European cities. The rest of the mix is filled with shit.”

End on a high

It wasn’t all crap, of course. The Oscar season brought out some pretty enjoyable stuff (Changeling, Slumdog), documentaries shone (Anvil), there was another good zombie comedy (Zombieland) and I got to see Hugh Jackman and Jason Statham on the big screen again, often with few clothes on (Wolverine, Crank 2).

Who knows how many films will be seen in 2010, and who knows if any will ever make a CF5 rating. There is, obviously, a pre-emptive CF-5 for Pirates 4. Can any film be worse? Let’s hope not. See you next year.